I allowed the bad behavior
I worked at an Italian restaurant as a waitress for 10 years, so I’m very familiar with chauvinistic, sexist behavior. For some reason, I always gave those men a pass assuming it was just part of their culture and the restaurant environment.
When I got my first big girl job in an office, I was surprised to find that same questionable behavior was just as prevalent. There was one individual I spent a lot of time with over the course of my employment at that firm, who was particularly cringey.
I’ll never forget our first interaction.
I had been hired as a temporary “intern.” I applied for a marketing position, and although they hired someone else who had more experience, they were intrigued by my journalism degree and wanted to give me a shot.
They brought me on for six weeks to help with the workload of an employee who was out due to shoulder surgery, with the caveat they may find a place for me depending on how things went.
I was about halfway through my trial run when I was approached by this man. The first thing out of his mouth was “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. Would you like to have a chat?” He invited me into his office.
I wasn’t wearing anything particularly alluring. I had on a yellow ESPRIT, V-neck sweater with a white tank top underneath to cover any possible cleavage (not that this was a concern, trust me), black dress pants and black booties. As we walked toward his office, I couldn’t help but notice I could see clear over his bald head. He was 5’3” at best.
He knew I wanted a full-time, permanent position at the firm, and he was in a position of power.
The reason I remember I was wearing that yellow sweater is because as soon as we sat down in his office he said I was quite hard to miss in such a vibrant sweater. At the time, this didn’t seem questionable to me. It’s only now as I look back over all that has occurred that I recognize the slimy undertone.
I was a young woman, desperate to start my career, and I would have swallowed any inappropriate behavior directed at me to get it. He knew I wanted a full-time, permanent position at the firm, and he was in a position of power.
He explained that he would be changing roles soon to head up one of the lines of business and there was a lot of work to be done. He wanted to hire me as a full-time employee to help with marketing activities, and to supplement the dedicated proposal coordinator role already assigned to his line of business. I was delighted, this was going to be great!
Over the next few years, we worked closely together. He relied on me heavily to drive marketing initiatives and provide creative content for his many unconventional ideas. He would often bypass my manager and enlist me directly, which rarely (OK, never) went over well, but what was I supposed to do? Tell one of the executives no? I think not. I just dealt with the backlash.
I got really good at anticipating his needs and often ghost wrote articles, letters or memos on his behalf. I looked to him as a mentor. One of the best pieces of career-related advice I’ve ever received came from him – fail fast (and learn from it).
At one point he moved his office from the room where we had our first meeting that was decked out with windows, to a corner room with no internal windows. I remember him saying something about it being in the southeast corner of the building, which was better for Feng Shui, Thai Chi something or another.
We would often be in there with the door closed, planning the next initiative, going over something I’d drafted, or shooting the shit during one of our many check-ins. One day I headed to his office at our standing time and turned to close the door behind me. He stopped me and asked that I leave the door open. “You got it,” I said as I sat at the table in the corner of his office.
He kept the door open for every meeting from that day forward. But rest assured it didn’t stop him from saying questionable things to me.
It didn’t seem weird to me at all, to be honest. He sat at the table with me and said in a low voice he didn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I was confused (and naïve), wrong impression about what? “Being in my office alone together, with the door closed and no windows...” I just brushed it off and we carried on with the meeting as usual.
To this day I wonder, what was the true intention for moving his office to a corner conference room with no windows? What changed his attitude and made him think twice about closing the door? Had someone implied he and I were fooling around? Had he made a joke at my expense that took a turn? I’ll never know.
He kept the door open for every meeting from that day forward. But rest assured it didn’t stop him from saying questionable things to me. As an older adult with a bit more perspective, I now realize it’s not appropriate for a manager to regularly compliment the way an employee looks. The compliments I received from him ranged from “your hair looks nice today” to “those pants fit you well” to “I really like open toe heels that show well-manicured toes.”
Nope, I’m not kidding about that last one. This of course opened up a discussion about foot fetishes and admittedly some mocking on my end, but it doesn’t change the fact he was testing the waters.
Another thing that has become obviously sleazy as I reflect is how he would talk about his wife. He never said anything positive about her. He would often tell me she wasn’t happy with her weight or the way she looked. He would say things like, “If she would just put effort into working out and eating right, she could be thin too.”
Once he spent 20 minutes detailing the qualities that made a female avatar from an architectural rendering sexy. “It doesn’t matter that she’s a cartoon,” he said. “Sexy transcends the real world, take anime for example.”
As I’m writing this it just dawned on me the qualities of the avatar he was enamored with were her long brunette hair, “thick legs and junk in the trunk” (his words) – similar to how I’m built. Shudder.
Nothing about this is OK. It’s not OK that I was put in that position and it’s not OK that I didn’t address it because I was afraid of the consequences.
One of the colleagues I met while working at this firm, who I’ve maintained a close friendship with over the years, once told me it creeped her out the way this man would lean over the cubicle wall where I sat, glaring at me “like I was a piece of meat.”
Here’s the thing, I let all of that happen. I let him ogle me and say inappropriate things. I let him tip toe right up to the point of impropriety. I wonder if I would have gotten a permanent job if I wasn’t his type, or if he didn’t enjoy looking at me.
I couldn’t risk it, so I accepted his behavior. I needed that job, I needed to pay my rent. I desperately wanted to stop waitressing and working seven days a week. So I let the comments slide.
Nothing about this is OK. It’s not OK that I was put in that position and it’s not OK that I didn’t address it because I was afraid of the consequences.
I know there are women who have experienced far worse than I, who may have been physically or sexually assaulted because they were afraid to say no. Realistically, I got off easy, but I’m still mad as hell at myself for letting it happen. How do we stop it?