The power of setting boundaries
Boundaries are hard. Articulating what I’m comfortable or uncomfortable with when it comes to my children has been a learning curve. I don’t recall reading about boundary setting in any of my parenting materials when I was pregnant, and it’s never been a point of discussion among my parents or grandparents.
It’s a skill I’m learning and practicing as I go. And I’ve become more and more reliant on boundaries so my kiddos know what to expect from me and other caregivers, and to ensure they’re safe and protected at all times.
Research has shown numerous benefits of establishing boundaries within families when it comes to our children. These are the top five reasons that bubbled up in my research:
Improved Communication: Clearly defined boundaries facilitate open and honest communication. When we feel comfortable expressing our needs and concerns, conflicts are less likely to arise, and misunderstandings can be effectively resolved.
Enhanced Emotional Well-being: Healthy boundaries promote emotional well-being by reducing stress and anxiety. When we feel empowered to set limits that align with our values and beliefs, we experience greater emotional resilience and a sense of control over our lives.
Respect for Individual Autonomy: Boundaries are crucial for maintaining individual autonomy within the family. By respecting each other's boundaries, family members acknowledge and honor each other's unique identities, preferences, and personal space, fostering mutual respect and understanding.
Healthy Interdependence: Boundaries encourage healthy interdependence among family members. When boundaries are clearly defined and respected, we feel secure in relying on each other for help and support without fear of overstepping personal boundaries. Even when we are most vulnerable.
Prevention of Enmeshment: Boundaries serve as a protective barrier against enmeshment, preventing higher levels of conflict, stress, and interpersonal difficulties within families.
But how do we put these principles into practice? This is what has worked for me.
Take a step back, evaluate your values and beliefs. Get to your core. Think about what your absolute deal breakers are. Your non-negotiables. For example, something you would not want your child exposed to or subjected to under any circumstance. Things that come to mind for me include being around smoking/vaping, drinking or swearing, physical discipline, or even being given pop, candy or junk food.
Now evaluate the current situation. Are there caregivers who are taking liberties? Is there something you don’t want to happen anymore? Are there things you need to communicate now? Or do you wait until they arise?
Once you figure out where you stand and what's important to you, the next step is communicating your needs and boundaries to whomever it applies to when appropriate. Communicate your limits by expressing your boundaries openly and assertively. Be clear and specific about what you need and why it’s important to you.
Some other things to consider once you’ve communicated your boundaries:
Be consistent when enforcing your boundaries. Consistently enforcing your boundaries reinforces that they’re important and helps establish a new dynamic with caregivers. Allowing others to cross your limits could make them feel like they don’t need to take your boundaries seriously in the future.
Know your limits and be willing to say “no” when necessary. Remember, it's OK to prioritize your own well-being, as well as your child’s.
Hold others accountable when they overstep those limits.
Don't be afraid to seek support from friends, other family members, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement.
Remember, it's all OK. Whatever you’re feeling is what’s right for you and your family. You don't have to explain your reasoning or feelings to anyone. If setting boundaries repeatedly causes conflict with someone, it's OK to take a step back from the relationship. Ultimately, prioritizing the well-being and safety of your family is what’s most important.
For more on this topic, check out Momming as a Millennial podcast episodes: