It was a journey to get here
My husband and I just celebrated our wedding anniversary so I thought it fitting to take a trip down memory lane. This of course got me thinking about all my past relationships, how I’ve evolved as a person over the years and how I managed to end up with my soul mate.
I spent the majority of my life from high school through my mid-20s in long-term relationships. I was rarely single. And when I was, I was looking for the next relationship. For whatever reason, I thought that’s what I should be doing.
The constant stream of relationships lasted anywhere from several months to several years. As I got older, the relationships lasted longer. I became more determined to make it work with every passing year. Once I was in my 20s I had the perception that I should be working toward marriage. I would think: “this one could be THE ONE.”
I was briefly engaged at 21 years old – very briefly. Like, less than a month.
We had talked about getting married. It shouldn’t have been a surprise when he proposed using his 3-year-old son as the messenger. But it caught me off guard. As soon as the ring was on my finger I knew it was all wrong. I got out of the relationship as quickly as possible (and it was ugly).
Looking back on the situation, it’s laughable. I was a baby! How could I have been ready to get married? I had no idea who I was or what I wanted in life.
I was a people pleaser and would usually go out of my way to make my boyfriends happy. I often lost myself and conformed to their preferences.
I missed out on most of my grad school experience because my then-boyfriend would bait me into a fight and guilt me into driving home every weekend.
I pretended to enjoy going to clubs and partying to fit in with one of my ex’s group of friends. I would rather stay home and enjoy a glass of wine in front of the TV, but instead I went out every weekend until 3 a.m.
I went line dancing and listened to country music when I dated a guy who had a family farm. (I detest country music).
At one point I thought I was on my way to getting engaged (a second time). I was in my mid-20s and had tunnel vision for this individual. Despite the bouts of rage and apparent lack of commitment on his end, I was convinced we would get engaged once he graduated from college and be on our way toward marriage.
How could I have been ready to get married? I had no idea who I was or what I wanted in life.
I was completely blindsided when he broke up with me instead the summer after his graduation. My heart was completely shattered. I experienced the deepest levels of despair for what seemed like forever.
I spent two years getting over the terrible heartbreak and taking time to discover who I really was. It was the first instance since going through puberty that I was single for an extended period of time.
It was also the first time I thought: How do I want to spend my time? What are my goals? What do I want in a relationship? What do I truly deserve?
Enter my husband.
We had known each other since high school. We were both band nerds – a badge I wear proudly. We both played the clarinet, although he also played saxophone(s) (baritone and/or tenor?) and maybe something else. I guess I didn’t pay too much attention.
We were hugging friends – friends that hugged. That was definitely a thing in high school in the early 2000s. And we ran in the same circles.
When I was a sophomore and he was a junior, he dated my best friend for a short while. I love bringing this up because he always rolls his eyes. It was so brief and non-committal, I’m not sure we can even classify it as dating, but it amuses me none the less.
We always maintained a friendship and had a lot of touch points over the years. It was like we were meant to ebb and flow in and out of each other’s lives until the time was right.
Years later we ended up at the same wedding. It turned out the bride was a mutual friend of ours we didn’t know we had in common.
I had spent hours getting ready for that wedding. I was single and attending a wedding with all of my coupled-up friends. At the very least I wanted to feel pretty rather than feeling like a loser.
When I walked into the reception hall he was the first person I recognized. He seemed delighted to see me.
That night we danced, laughed and caught up. By the time the late night buffet made an appearance I had agreed to go on a date with him. We pulled out our phones and discovered there was no need to exchange numbers because we were already saved in each other’s phones.
Until I got my heart broken, I was on my way to living life for someone else. I’m so thankful for being crushed the way I was or I may have settled for less than I deserved.
Our first date was the following Tuesday and the rest is history.
This retrospective has helped me realize I would never have been in the right frame of mind to make a relationship work long term if I didn’t first learn who I am.
There are a lucky few who actually know themselves in their 20s. I was not one of them. I had no idea what I wanted to achieve in my life or who I wanted to be.
I needed time alone, without a boyfriend, to focus solely on me. As I entered my 30s I had aspirations. I’m happy to have found someone who not only wants the same things as me, but who wants to support me in all that I do and help me realize my goals.
Until I got my heart broken, I was on my way to living life for someone else. I’m so thankful for being crushed the way I was or I may have settled for less than I deserved. I may have lived my life with someone who downplayed my desires and made me feel like what I want out of a relationship is silly or unrealistic.
After being married for a couple of years I ran into the ex who broke my heart. He asked if I had found what I was looking for.
“Yes I have. I’m blessed to have found the one who always puts me first and treats me like the princess I am.”
So suck it! No, but seriously…
Only you know what you need in a relationship to make you happy. Make sure you get what you deserve. Living out someone else’s ideals is not worth living in my opinion.